Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I see the Daddy in him

     I've heard alot about how a woman becomes a mom when she finds out she's pregnant, and a man becomes a dad when the baby is born. I don't think either of those things is true. At least, it wasn't for us.

     When we found out we were pregnant, it took awhile for it to sink in for either one of us. Of course I was instantly protective, (I must have been hilarious to watch, scared to bump into anything with my stomach, moving super slow so as not to jostle the baby, a hand constantly on my tummy as a shield. And between you and me, I was scared to use the toilet for about a month. I just knew I was going to do the impossible and pee out the baby.) but once the initial shock wore off, I found that joy, fear, shock, and something like indifference or disbelief came in waves. By that I mean, sometimes I simply didn't believe I was pregnant, and I felt sure the doctors didn't know anything.

    Growing has helped me to feel pregnant. But those ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat have truly been what have filled me with the MOST motherly love. And even though that feeling has been a constant for months, every time I get to see or hear the baby again, a new huge wave of love crashes around me and makes me feel all those sickeningly mushy things you hear moms talk about in sappy made for tv movies. But still, I don't always feel like a mom. And saying "my son" feels wrong at times. Like I'm not allowed to call him that until he's born. Or at least kicking my bladder.

     I think the first months were the same for Aaron.
     When I brought the picture from my dating appointment at about 11 weeks to him at work, he looked at it, handed it back and said
    "I forgot you were pregnant."

   I had expected something like that, remembering men don't become dad's until the baby is born. Then he took the picture back and ran to show his coworker, and declared it "Pretty awesome" the rest of the day.
Not quite the same as the tearful emotion I had, but the excitement was there, and I was overjoyed at him wanting to look at the picture numerous times, (though not quite as often as I did.) At first I shared so much with him just to make sure he knew he was included, but not because I really thought he'd honestly care much. I expected more humoring me with fake interest, but he gives off genuine interest and shared joy in basically all things about our son.

   Unlike the saying claims, I think he is already a dad. Just because of little changes and things like suddenly looking at babies instead of ignoring them when we're shopping, seeing other dad's with babies and bringing up Joel's upcoming baby days. I can see his excitement building, I love the way he talks about teaching Joel to skateboard and play guitar. He is already certain Joel will be an amazing kid. When I look at him and see a dad, I can almost feel like a mom.

    And I think he'll make a terrific father from the start. And seeing him as Joel's dad makes me love him in a totally different, stronger way than before, right along side that old love.

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